Recovering from divorce is not a straightforward path, mostly it involves taking a few steps forward with a sense that things are improving, to then potentially crashing back to a low. Building resilience is fundamental to fostering your wellbeing and positive mental health during this difficult period. It is possible to develop more adaptive coping methods to get through the crisis. Let’s look at some of these: 

‘Conscious uncoupling’ – recent media attention on divorcing celebrities has shone a spotlight on the phenomenon of ‘conscious uncoupling’. This approach favours self-reflection and self-awareness, placing responsibility on separating/divorcing couples to own their part in a relationship breakdown, resisting the temptation to blame. Whilst some of us may feel cynical about the celebrity trend of ‘conscious uncoupling’ it’s nevertheless based on sound principles that can be of benefit to ourselves and our children when considering ending a relationship/marriage. The main reason being that conscious uncoupling puts the wellbeing of the divorcing couple and the wellbeing of the children centre-stage, so that healthy co-parenting can take place outside of the traditional marriage model. Couples should avoid being caught up in the ‘drama’ of divorce and focus their energy on reframing problems as opportunities for growth and creating a positive atmosphere for co-parenting. By drawing on our own vulnerabilities and looking inwards we can gain a deeper understanding of why our relationship is no longer working. This can be more beneficial to our wellbeing than engaging in confrontations and recriminations that sap our emotional resources.

Mediation – changes in UK divorce legislation will come into effect in 2022 with the introduction of ‘no fault’ divorce. These amendments have been prompted by failings of the current system which requires divorcing parties to provide evidence of wrongdoing as a way to establish grounds for divorce. This is no longer fit for purpose because it encourages confrontation and apportioning blame which potentially inflames an already volatile situation. Nowadays mediation has been recommended as the first point in the process of reaching a divorce settlement unless there are domestic violence, substance abuse or child custody disputes. A qualified mediator is there to guide you through financial decisions and child arrangements in an impartial environment so that both parties feel equally heard. This is preferable to costly and lengthy court proceedings which are very stressful. We also know that divorce hostility is psychologically damaging to children and long-term parental conflict has proven to be a significant factor in predicting post-divorce adjustment, both immediately following the divorce as well as many years after and is associated with higher rates of parent-child relationship problems.  

Cognitive reframing is a popular technique used in Cognitive Behaviour Therapy to address negative thoughts which may lead to negative behaviour or outcomes. The rationale behind this approach is that positive thoughts may similarly lead to positive outcomes. The duration and intensity of the divorce crisis can depend on how you perceive and therefore manage the crisis. You can start by trying to replace irrational, negative thoughts about divorce with positive self-enhancing thoughts, for example ‘it’s all my fault’; ‘I’m a failure’, ‘I’m unlovable’ can be substituted with ‘we are both responsible for some of the failings in our relationship’; ‘I have made mistakes but I can learn from them’, “I have a lot to offer”. Divorce is also a new beginning, an opportunity to establish a new identity separate from the marriage, making new relationships and friendships. Particularly for your children’s benefit, whilst there will be a period of adjustment, it’s important to look to the future with optimism rather than framing divorce as the ‘end of the road’. Taking control of one’s thoughts as to how you would like to perceive yourself and your future may prompt more positive choices on how you enact these and feel about your situation. Whilst divorce does signal an ending, which naturally requires a period of grieving it is nevertheless important to exercise self-compassion and to give yourself the space and time to heal free from judgement and self-admonishment. 

Parenting – breakups are always upsetting and unsettling for children and this may affect your parenting confidence. However, contrary to popular belief that all children will suffer ill-effects from divorce this is not necessarily the case. Divorce, whilst  traumatic does not have to spell indefinite misery for the couple and children involved. How you and your ex-partner manage the divorce process and how you conduct yourselves can make a significant difference to reducing the  harm to your children and to yourselves. Effective communication between you and your  ex-partner is key to making the best decisions for your children. It is also important to communicate honestly and directly with your children about any changes that will affect them and to reassure them that whilst you are no longer a couple, co-parenting remains a priority. Being divorced does not mean you have to make poor parenting choices. Initially while you adjust to the absence of your partner, the quality of your parenting may dip or your children may be subjected to inconsistencies with routines/discipline between households. However it is possible to regain your parenting momentum and provide a home environment that is stable and secure for your children. It’s time to challenge the myth which portrays divorced parents as chaotic and floundering. Sometimes it can bring out better parenting when the home is no longer fraught with marital tension and conflict. Ensure you and your children have access to support resources to reduce any negative impact of parental divorce. See a list of resources below.

Enhancing Self-esteem – it is only natural that during the divorce process your self-esteem may have taken a knock. A helpful psychological principle to bear in mind is that a crisis is also an opportunity for personal growth. With every crisis, it is not the crisis itself that defines us but how we respond to it. Practically this can involve making positive choices such as spending time with family and friends, trying something new, exercising, connecting with nature or doing pleasurable activities such as swimming in the sea which can all help to boost your self-worth. Divorce does not have to define you, instead your actions can empower you to see yourself in a more positive light. Identify any self-defeating attitudes about yourself and how you can replace them with more self-affirming attitudes. You may also want to consider counselling to help you build your sense of worth. A counsellor may encourage you to focus on those things that are making you anxious, any feelings of self-doubt and tackle each one at a time. It’s important to identify positive as well as any negative areas about yourself, focus on your successes and strengths and any irrational beliefs that you have about yourself replacing them with rational beliefs.